Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean that Senseo coffee pods are not out to get me. In fact, I’ve been having recurring nightmares about them. In my dreams, they have mobilized like those “scrubbing bubbles” on T.V. and they are chasing me through an abandoned and really creepy summer camp. I have no idea why, in my dream, I have elected to go to a creepy abandoned summer camp in the middle of the night – by myself. And like the nameless extras in ‘Friday the 13th‘ movies, I back into a dark room (without looking) where they await. But I digress.
Oh yes, Senseo Pods. They are evil, or maybe just demon possessed. Or maybe they just don’t drink enough of their own coffee. I’m 95% sure that they are one of the many causes of ‘Walking Glutonia’ as I like to call it. You may be familiar with it. It’s when you unknowingly ingest microscopic amounts of gluten for days or weeks. The quantity is so seemingly insignificant, kind of like the number of gluten free meals available in a Papa Johns restaurant. However, after ingesting these microscopic doses for several days or more, you suddenly get very, very sick. Like nuclear sick. Like if we could bottle it, the war on terror would be over like instantly.
The worst part of Walking Glutonia is that its just about impossible to figure out what made you sick because you felt fine for the first several days of toxic poisoning. That’s the really insidious thing. The second worst part is actually being sick.
Well, about a week after buying a new Senseo coffee maker, I came down with Walking Glutonia. It never even crossed my mind that the Senseo was to blame. After all, its only water and coffee – none of those fancy flavors for me. I’m a mans man after all and drink my Senseo out of my cute little coffee machine with unflavored breakfast and medium blends. And Walmart sells them, so its not like its some product made by the lowest bidder or anything. So of course I kept drinking the Kool-aid coffee. It was then I discovered that caffeine alone cannot overcome all physical ailments, so I stopped drinking the coffee. That really stunk, but I got better. Except for those daily occasional caffeine headaches.
Refusing to accept reality (I REALLY like coffee) I re-started my morning Senseo binge a couple of weeks later. I mean of all the things one eats and drinks over a day, I figured it had to be something random, certainly not my SENSEO. You’ll never guess what happened next – after about a week of drinking lots and lots of coffee. Satan was unchained once again.
Obviously I was not going to give up my morning coffee, so I started the detective work and called the Senseo people. They directed me to Sara Lee. There we had it – Sara Lee makes all kind of people poison like pound cakes and pies. Obviously they were injecting their Senseo pods with baked goods to build a dependence habit among the coffee drinking population. So I called to expose them.
Helpful Customer Service person: “Hello, my name is Marcie Jong-il, how can I help you today?”
Me (sick and in a really foul mood): “OK, confess. You’re in a call center in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, you’re working under direct orders of Kim Jong-il, and you are tirelessly toiling day after miserable day to destroy the free world by means of gradual gluten poisoning.”
Helpful Customer Service person who is obviously an enemy agent working under cover: (silence)
Me: “OK, so you won’t talk. Fine. Can you tell me what’s in the Senseo pods? What is that paper material made of? Are there any gluten ingredients in the paper? Where were you on the night on February 7th?”
Helpful Customer Service person: “Sir, our pods are made with pure paper products, there are no other ingredients, and no gluten.” (at this point I could have sworn I heard her sniggering under her breath)
Me: “Aha! Caught you! What about the GLUE that holds the two halves of the paper together? Answer that!”
Helpful Customer Service person: “Glue?”
There you have it. She was busted and she knew it. Playing dumb didn’t fool me for a minute. I still can’t prove it, as she was obviously accustomed to tough
interrogation techniques and never did talk, but it sure looks to me like those Senseo pods are held together with glue. And I bet its glue made of 100% pure
gluten. It all fits with my conspiracy theory. So there.
Be safe out there, and watch your coffee.