My Toaster

I have my own toaster. It’s way better than their toaster.

When my toaster does push ups, the earth moves.

My toaster can kill two stones with one bird.

My toaster can beat up their toaster. With one burner tied behind it’s back.

My toaster makes crumbs that turn into yummy, golden doughnut holes. Maple glazed in fact.

Other than all of that, the best thing about my toaster is that no wheat worshiping, un-celiac, gluten tolerant people can use it. You see, we have two toasters in our kitchen. Mine and theirs. They’re on opposite sides of the kitchen. They never, ever speak to each other. I’m very proud of my toasters’ anti-social tendencies.

These crumbs are gluten free!

One of the first adjustments we made to our kitchen when I was diagnosed with celiac disease was to set up a system of dueling toasters. Looking back, that $20 was a much better investment than the Tie-Dye Snuggie I bought in the same visit to Wal-Mart. I make my own special Udi’s bagels, cheese toast, Glutino English Muffins, and whatever else I feel like baking without worry of cross contamination. The rest of my family continues to insist on poisoning themselves with gluteny stuff that goes in their toaster, but I don’t care. Really, I don’t.

If you’ve been diagnosed with celiac or some other gluten intolerance, do yourself a big favor. Be selfish and get your own toaster!

P.S. Remember to train house guests to use the right toaster!

William Hung, American Idol (almost)

Nothing breaks my heart more than to see things like this posted online…

“Chocolate is gluten free!”

“Rum is gluten free!”

“Oatmeal is gluten free!”

“Lunchmeat is gluten free!”

“Margaritas are gluten free!”

“Corn chips are gluten free!”

“Soy sauce is gluten free!”

“Potato chips are gluten free!”

And so on…

Blanket statements like that are kind of like saying “American Idol is full of awesome, face-melting singers!” Well, a few are, but most are not. It just depends on who it is.

I think about all the people out there just getting diagnosed with Celiac disease or some form of gluten intolerance seeing this type of advice and I just cringe, knowing that a whole lot of people are about to get sick and have no idea why.

Just like American Idol, there are all types of (fill in the blank of that broad category of foods that are supposedly gluten free here.) Yes, a lot of lunchmeat (for example) is in fact gluten free. A lot is not. The real answer of course depends on asking many questions:

• Who is the manufacturer?
• When was it made?
• Is there a chance of cross contamination?
• In the case of spirits and distilled things (I just love the ‘Rum is gluten free!” blanket statement) does the maker add any colorings or flavorings after distillation?
• Does the manufacturer even know if their ingredient suppliers use gluten?
• In the case of potato or corn chips, how are the made? Ever watched corn tortilla chips getting made in a Mexican restaurant? Rolled, pounded, and dusted with flour in many cases.
• And so on…

Be careful out there folks, let’s not make people more sick than they already are.

Call me crazy, but nowadays simple things like, oh say Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts have strict ingredient labeling guidelines. Before you make a major life decision like eating a Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tart, you can simply read the box and see the following information:

Ingredients
ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], FOLIC ACID), BROWN SUGAR, SOYBEAN AND PALM OIL (WITH TBHQ FOR FRESHNESS), CORN SYRUP, DEXTROSE, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CRACKER MEAL, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF SALT, CORNSTARCH, LEAVENING (BAKING SODA, SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE, MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE), CINNAMON, WHEAT STARCH, GELATIN, CARAMEL COLOR, SOY LECITHIN, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, NIACINAMIDE, REDUCED IRON, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B6), RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), FOLIC ACID.

Allergen Information

CONTAINS WHEAT AND SOY INGREDIENTS.

However, prescription medications, which are apparently far less important to health and well being than Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts, have few if any ingredient labeling requirements.

I’ve been recovering from a bout with the flu and ended up with a parting gift of bronchitis or some such thing. Having survived the flu without doing the doctors office routine I was finally forced to go visit the re-contamination ward (otherwise known as my primary care physician’s waiting room) and dutifully sit and read old copies of Redbook, Highlights, and  ‘Aging Golfer’ magazines while I waited for an hour and a half.

After serving my time in purgatory, I had my 7 minute visit with the doc. And was prescribed the standard Z-Pack. Problem solved. Target Pharmacy filled my prescription with the generic version, Azithromycin, manufactured by Teva Pharmaceuticals. Being the responsible celiac, I promptly visited the Teva USA website to figure out what ingredients are in these little red pills. Anyway, unless my fever and general wooziness prevented me from finding basic ingredient and allergen information, there was no readily apparent useful information to be found. For all I know, those little red pills could be manufactured with 100% pure gluten concentrate and topped with yeast roll shavings.

Next step. I checked the patient information sheet included with the medication. For those of you not familiar, a patient information sheet is the eighth wonder of the modern world. This is where, through advanced nuclear fusion technology, 16,837 words are digitally encrypted with an ancient latin language derivative and micro-printed on a piece of rice paper. Unfolded, this paper covers 1/3 of a standard size football field, but through a steam-powered compression process, it’s folded 412 times so it can fit into a standard sized medication box. It’s truly a miracle of modern medical science that makes me proud to live in this country.

Buried in the middle of this mess, I found a listing of inactive ingredients in my Azithromycin tablets. Of particular interest to me was this one: Pregelatinized Starch.

In terms of useful information, that is something akin to saying that Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts include carbohydrates. Gee, thanks for that insight.

Now mind you, all of this happened at about 9pm at night, so calling Teva was not an option until the following morning. So, at risk of adding a glutening attack to my already high misery index, I went ahead and took the red pills.

I lucked out. First thing the following morning, I called Teva and quickly got the information I needed. The pregelatiized starch is corn based and to the ‘best of their knowledge‘ (lawyer speak) their Azithromycin is in fact gluten free.

Is it really too much to ask drug manufacturers to list the ingredients that sick people are ingesting? After all, Pop Tarts manages to do it. Companies who can repeatedly perform the miracle of creating patient information sheets and stuffing them into those itty-bitty boxes should certainly be able to write down the stuff they throw in that steaming cauldron of medicinal goodness. Am I crazy?

I like to think I have gotten pretty good at avoiding accidental glutenings, and even better at identifying the source. Practice makes perfect you know. Shoot, by now I should be considered an expert celiac patient. If there was an Olympic biathlon event for avoiding gluten while cross country skiing, I would be a shoe-in for the gold medal.

So last week I managed to subdue a glutening of epic proportions after a long and protracted battle. And this after I ate all week long with extreme caution.

• • No restaurants.
  • No new foods.
  • Always fanatically careful about cross contamination. I could give Monk a run for his money in that department.
  • I definitely did not scarf down any Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop-Tarts, as much as I wanted to.
  • Same toothpaste.
  • Haven’t taken a shower in months. Ok just kidding on that one, but I did not use any new shampoo or soap.
  • Same dental floss.
  • No new morning food or drink routine.
  • I didn’t load 50 pound sacks of flour as a part time side job.
  • No wheat farming or anything (that I can remember.)
  • No pizza parties.

I’m stumped. Any ideas?

I’d love to hear about the most perplexing gluten mysteries you have solved. One of my most interesting ones to date has been the Senseo coffee pod adventure. What’s yours?

Celiac Man (Me)

I’ve been blessed with the supernatural ability to detect the quality and consistency of “thorough cleaning and sanitation processes.” Food manufacturers rely on these procedures to produce both standard and gluten free foods in the same facility. You might think that my powers would prompt generalized hero worship and mayors giving me keys to cities and such. In reality, my unique ability is more like a burden. I now completely empathize with Spiderman, and we attend the same self-help group on Tuesday evenings.

By the way, do you like how my superhero carries a grocery bag? That makes my enemies tremble with fear for sure.

Still, burden or not, I figure I still ought to use my talent for the greater good, so I continue to run right into blazing fires by testing new products that claim to be gluten free.

Take Chex cereal for example. There has been a lot of hype on the celiac bulletin boards and Twitter recently about various Chex cereals now being gluten free. General Mills also makes a big deal about it, listing “GLUTEN FREE” in large letters on the box front and four separate times on the back of the box. Either they are really concerned about my health, or they want to make a lot of money from the celiac community. I’m not sure which, but I would bet on the “want to make a lot of money” option. Either way, this was awesome news! A “normal” product I can buy in any grocery store instead of relying on UPS to deliver my food!

Being a gifted superhero, I teleported to the nearest store and bought myself a large box of Rice Chex. I used to love those when I was a kid. The very next morning, I ate a bowl – and promptly became violently ill. Nice. I love marketing.

Wheat Chex Parachute Assault

This is where the value of my superpower comes into play. Lying on my death bed after the gluten-free Chex ingestion, I had a vision. I saw a large room with lots of noisy machinery and Wheat Chex hovering around dropping little gluten packages with  parachutes into the nooks and crannies of all the Chex making machines. When I regained consciousness, I managed to scrawl an email to Chex Customer Service. I asked them whether gluten-free Chex are made in a dedicated facility or at least on dedicated equipment.

The response reminded me of why I love lawyers so much. Rather than simply answering my question, they gave me a 290 word statement that basically told me to check the label. To top that off, the response ended with the following:

“If there are no gluten-containing ingredients listed in the product ingredient label, we still cannot assure that this product is gluten free. While we have not added gluten-containing ingredients, factors such as sourcing, conditions of manufacture, etc. do not allow us to provide the full level of assurance that a gluten free claim requires.”

Unfortunately for me, I was only gifted with cross contamination detection superpowers and not a razor sharp intellect. You see, in my simple view of the situation, I was pretty certain that General Mills had made gluten free claims, maybe by writing GLUTEN FREE all over the box. This legal stuff is pretty complex though, maybe I should probably stay out of it and just stick to watching Boston Legal.

But, as I have said in previous posts, I am a giver. SO I persisted in getting my question answered so I could share it with you, the Celiac Bites reader. On my second attempt, I got the following response:

“Our Gluten Free Chex cereals are not produced in a gluten free facility.  We do, however, ensure against cross-contamination with gluten-containing ingredients and products through thorough cleaning and sanitation processes, including testing between gluten and gluten free product runs based on FDA proposed regulations.”

There you go. Cleaning and sanitation processes. As I wrote about in a previous post about dedicated fryers in restaurants, you have to believe in a lot of perfection before you trust your physical well being to “procedures.”

Justice League of America

The moral of the story is that food manufacturers like to make money. And eating gluten free is becoming a trendy thing. So being savvy marketers, they are going to take every opportunity to sell more of their stuff by making it stand out from the competition. If a few celiac patients get killed in the process, well, that’s just the cost of doing business.

So be careful out there. Don’t blindly trust the marketing claims. Remember that there are a lot of great businesses that pride themselves on making real gluten free food – in gluten free facilities. Check The Gluten Free Mall for lot’s of those products. In fairness to General Mills, they claim to make the new Betty Crocker gluten free baking mixes in a gluten free facility. Hat’s off to them for that – and a big BOO for the scam on Chex cereal.

I’d love to here about any other cross contamination detecting superheroes out there. Let me know – maybe we can form a Cleaning and Sanitation Procedures Justice League!

Well, school is out here in South Carolina and it’s time for summer road trips. I am going out of town with the kids this week and knew I had to leave Tom with some quick and yummy gluten-free food. Tom isn’t a picky eater and is very happy eating the same things – He may disagree

Aunt Rissy's Famous Gluten Free Doughnuts

For breakfast, I just made some hard-boiled eggs. They are quick and easy and a great source of protein. Thank God that he doesn’t have a reaction to them.

I made pulled pork and potato salad for dinner so he can take the leftovers for lunch. Here’s the recipe for the pork –compliments of The Food Network.

Just make sure all the ingredients are Gluten-free! Most in this recipe are! I find that it is very hard to find gluten free barbeque sauce and this one has you make your own. It was pretty good!

The potato salad is made with Hellman’s mayo and French’s mustard. Also on the menu is glazed carrots. Just boil some baby carrots for 5 minutes. Drain and add some butter, honey and brown sugar. Cook for a few minutes until it makes a nice glaze.

I HAVE to leave Tom with some dessert, so I decided to try out this recipe for homemade donuts. Don’t worry, the photo was taken after Tom ate 5 10 of them, so it makes quite a few more than shown.

I use Jules gluten free flour.

I fried them in peanut oil, but you can use whatever oil you prefer. For the glaze, I just used the cream and powdered sugar. Be sure to check your powdered sugar to make sure it’s gluten free! I’m sure Tom will tell you that they were great! I did have a little bite and YUM! Now he just has to ration them so they last the whole week…yeah right. If he makes it a single day I’ll give him a hundred bucks.

Well, I’ll have to write again when I return and maybe Tom can tell you how he made out while we were gone. Oh, did I mention that we will be eating a lot of wheat while we’re gone? hehe

That’s a really good plan with one minor wrinkle. There are plenty of ways to make yourself miserable without the benefit of poisonous food. You don’t want to ruin your safe, inclusive diet now do you? So consider the following list as an idea starter to identify things in your life that are out to get you.

• Lipstick. Girls, you have it on your mouth! And guys have been known to kiss girls, who have lipstick on their mouth. A lipstick glutening can work either way!
• Shampoo. Where do you think all those sudsy bubbles go on their way from the top of your head to the shower drain? Umm, maybe your mouth? Like mom cleaning your mouth out with soap, it doesn’t take much to ruin your day.
• Envelopes. People have died on Seinfeld from licking envelopes. You probably won’t die, but for some reason people seem to want to put gluten in envelope glue.
• Toothpaste. Most are fine, but watch out for Sensodyne. Nothing definite, but many have complained about potential cross contamination in the manufacturing process.
• Dental floss. Yep, check before flossing, no matter what your dentist says.
• Speaking of torture dentists, check out the junk they put in your mouth at the annual cleaning. Yep, been burned by that. More than once.
• Non-food food stuff. A while back, I wrote about Senseo coffee pods. While I still haven’t been able to prove it, I think the adhesive that holds the pod together is part of a plot to kill me.
• Soaps, face scrubs, and other such things. Watch out. It goes on your face. Leading scientists believe this is where the human mouth is located.
• Things you don’t necessarily swallow. Like gum, mouthwash, mints, nasal or throat sprays, fluoride rinses, etc. Be sure to check before not swallowing!

Hopefully this sparks some ideas about non-food things in your household to watch out for. Did I miss any obvious ones? If so, comment below!

If you have followed this blog, you may have noticed I have a thing for Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. But I’m not bitter about NEVER BEING ABLE TO EAT THEM AGAIN! Sorry for that, I’m OK now. Not bitter, not bitter, not bitter, not bitter.

As I have referenced in earlier posts, learning to eat absolutely gluten free is a long and complex process. It’s not just eliminating bread and flour. Those pesky Viking descendants – the gliadins – have managed to infiltrate just about every food product known to man, including Pop-Tarts. You simply are not going to become an expert at maintaining a gluten free lifestyle for a good six months. Trust me, you will make mistakes and gluten yourself. Plenty of times.

The problem I hope to help you solve with this post is how to manage the gap between your first post-diagnosis hunger pangs and the end of your gluten free learning curve, however long that may be. You see, about four hours, maybe six, after your diagnosis, you are going to be HUNGRY.  If you’re like me, you may have been HUNGRY for a long time as a result of celiac induced malnutrition. Learning an effective gluten free diet in a few hours is not a realistic option. And you can’t really go on a water and kiwi diet for the next six months either.

The trap that most newly diagnosed Celiacs fall into is immediately trying to start with an exclusive diet as opposed to an inclusive diet. By exclusive, I mean starting with the universe of available foods and then excluding, or ruling out, things that you can no longer eat. There are two main problems with this approach. First, it’s really depressing for your first thoughts about your new lifestyle to be focused on all the things you can’t eat. Second, you simply are not going to know all the intricacies of which foods and ingredients are in fact gluten free. You will get sick. A lot. And that bites. Trust me, I can feel your pain brother (or sister.)

After trying to start with an exclusive approach to eating, and failing miserably, I had my Duh! moment. Why not turn my approach (and frown) upside down and start with a universe of zero “safe” foods and add to the list things that are absolutely gluten free. Over time, as I learned more, I could add to my “safe” list. This approach virtually eliminated my gluten incident frequency while allowing me a series of small “victories” as I learned new things that I could enjoy. It’s all a matter of positive versus a negative perspective. After much deliberation, I have concluded that a positive perspective is, like, way better. Or as my kids would say, the positive outlook is totally beast.

Basic building blocks of an inclusive diet:

Fresh meats, poultry, and seafood. Fresh is the key word here. Not can fresh, but raw fresh. Consider anything pre-packaged in plastic or that contains an ingredient list as suspect. This includes deli meats until you verify them.  Beware of anything that could be pre-marinated or pre-seasoned. Beware of anything frozen as well. Don’t eat Spam. Mainly because it’s just, well, Spam.

Rice. It’s a good thing that I love rice, because I eat a ton of it. And I am talking clear plastic bag, cooked at home rice – not the San Francisco stuff that comes in boxes! No trolleys for you! Depending on your current condition, you may or may not be able to put some real butter on it. Whatever your feelings about Fabio,

Fabio the Butter Man

stay away from fake butter junk that comes in tubs. If you can’t do dairy yet, try a little pure olive oil with some Kosher salt – it’s not too bad of a substitute. For breakfast, I make home made rice cereal, which is basically regular white rice, butter, and pure maple syrup or pure brown sugar. This allows me to put a lot little extra brown sugar on there to compensate for my LOSS OF BROWN SUGAR AND CINNAMON POP-TARTS! Check the labels on the maple syrup and brown sugar to make sure there are no other ingredients!

Fresh fruits and veggies. Again, stay away from anything processed. Get the stuff you have to put in your own plastic bag in the produce section!

Eggs. Fresh eggs are a staple for me.  There are lot’s of ways to prepare them and a little fresh butter or olive oil for cooking is just peachy. Making large batches of hard boiled eggs is a particularly convenient way to deal with snacks, lunches at work, etc.

The suggestions above assume that you personally pulled these things off the store shelves and prepared them. If you eat the same things from a restaurant, you have lost the certainty that the ingredients are pure and absolutely gluten free. You have also opened a big door number three with cross contamination behind it.

As you start to heal, you’ll be able to add other safe items to your list such as cheeses, dairy, some sweets, and more. I will comment on that more in later posts.

So you are off to a rock ‘n roll gluten free diet, but you’re not quite out of the woods yet. Join us next time when we talk about Eating lipstick and other fun ways to poison yourself!

adjective Immunology.
Of or pertaining to the immune response of an organism against any of its own tissues, cells, or cell components.

Celiac Bites Translation:

word that my doctors say a lot. Being sick as all get out.
Your own self gets a hankerin’ to beat the crap out of its own dang self when you eat Pop-Tarts.

Gilligans Island cast

Last week I posted a deeply scientific essay on the fact that Celiac Disease is not an allergy.  This week, let’s take a closer look at what Celiac Disease really is – an autoimmune condition.

The concept of “autoimmune” is pretty simple. Basically, your auto-antibodies have a terminal crack habit. Either that, or they have spent too many days watching re-runs of Gilligans Island and have lost all short term memory as a result.

There’s really no other logical explanation. You see, unless you are a committed masochist, your own antibodies would have no real reason to attack their own home and the villi that live there in peace and harmony. So the only other explanation is that they don’t recognize their own kin, your villi. And there we are, right back to the crack habit or Gilligan’s Island theory.

Auto-antibody: “Have we met?”

Villi: “Yes, we’re related remember? We grew up together in Jersey City.”

Auto-antibody: “You’re full of it. I’m going to kick your @%#!”

There you have it. The Celiac autoimmune response happens simply as a result of your auto-antibodies failing to recognize their own relatives. So, being cantankerous fight club types, they commence beating the tar out of their own kin.

Any questions?

Me (over and over again): “No, but I am allergic to being asked if I’m allergic to bread.”

Next Question: “So can you eat donuts?”

Me: “Can you eat rocks?”

Celiac Disease is an autoimmune condition, not an allergy. There’s a big difference between the two, the main one being that autoimmune sounds a lot more impressive. So impressive in fact that most people have no idea what an autoimmune condition is.  That’s what makes it kind of fun if you’re one who thrives on the pity of others. When I tell people that I have an autoimmune condition, they tend to immediately take two steps back in case its contagious. Then there is that saaaad look…

From a practical perspective, there’s not much to be gained by trying to tell people that I have an autoimmune disease, and not an allergy. I have to confess that when in restaurants trying to explain what I can and cannot eat, I always tell people that I am “allergic” to gluten. It’s just a lot easier, even if my illness does not sound nearly as cool.

So what’s an allergy?  Technically, allergies are highly sensitive reactions by ones body to certain, and usually normal, substances. Allergies are also a little bit like shoes. You can get them most anytime during your life. It’s also possible that you can outgrow them, but not always. While allergies can be quite serious, and even fatal, they can be described as a reaction to exposure to wheat or other allergens. So, yes, there are people who are actually allergic to wheat, and therefore share a necessary gluten free lifestyle with people diagnosed with Celiac. Life is not very pleasant for those poor folks either.

On the other hand, Celiac, being an autoimmune condition, is more like a chain reaction. If you read my post on Vikings and Blazing Saddles fight scenes, you’ll understand the comparison, where the presence of gluten, and more specifically gliadins, create a full scale war between auto-antibodies and your hapless, and helpless, villi.

So the next time someone asks if you’re allergic to bread, you can answer with confidence…

Yes!

Trust me, it’s a lot easier to explain than the truth!