Disclaimer: The writers of Celiac Bites assume no liability for any consequences related to the use of enhanced server interrogation techniques outlined below.

Recently I wrote about Dying, I mean, Dining Out and the challenges of eating in restaurants safely. That got me thinking about the “usual” questions that I ask servers when I recklessly endanger my life eat out at restaurants. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Do you have any reason to want to harm me? Did I pick on you or any of your friends when I was in kindergarten or grade school? I did not break your Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots game in 2nd grade.
2. Does your meat/chicken/fish arrive pre-packaged or is it fresh?
3. Did any of your chefs ever study under Dr. Kevorkian?
4. Is there ANY type of marinade or seasoning that is added to your meat/chicken/seafood prior to cooking?
5. What other items are cooked on the same grill or griddle? (If patty-melts are a house specialty, I would be pretty nervous about ordering a burger.)
6. Are ANY seasonings besides 100% pure salt and pepper added during preparation?
7. Have you ever worked for Senseo’s Consumer Hotline?
8. Does your hamburger meat have any ingredients other than 100% pure meat? (Some have fillers!)
9. Have you ever been convicted of manslaughter, second, or even first degree murder? Should you have been at any previous time in your life?
10. What garnishes come on the plate?
11. Are your salads prepared to order or made at the beginning of each shift? (To be sure croutons are not simply “picked off” a pre-made salad)
12. Are we going to spend 10 or 20 minutes planning a perfect gluten free option for me only to have it delivered to the table with some random gluten-infested garnish on top like toastlets, fried onion crisps, or croutons? Because if that’s how you roll, I would like to know now rather than later.
13. Are your vegetables cooked in any sort of broth or are there any seasonings other than salt or pepper added?
14. Do you use real butter or a butter substitute?
15. Do you chefs use spray pan coating on the grill, griddle, or pans? If so, does it contain flour or is it 100% oil based?
16. Do you have any anger management issues that I should know about?

I would love to hear what y’all check for when dining out so please let me know!