My Toaster

I have my own toaster. It’s way better than their toaster.

When my toaster does push ups, the earth moves.

My toaster can kill two stones with one bird.

My toaster can beat up their toaster. With one burner tied behind it’s back.

My toaster makes crumbs that turn into yummy, golden doughnut holes. Maple glazed in fact.

Other than all of that, the best thing about my toaster is that no wheat worshiping, un-celiac, gluten tolerant people can use it. You see, we have two toasters in our kitchen. Mine and theirs. They’re on opposite sides of the kitchen. They never, ever speak to each other. I’m very proud of my toasters’ anti-social tendencies.

These crumbs are gluten free!

One of the first adjustments we made to our kitchen when I was diagnosed with celiac disease was to set up a system of dueling toasters. Looking back, that $20 was a much better investment than the Tie-Dye Snuggie I bought in the same visit to Wal-Mart. I make my own special Udi’s bagels, cheese toast, Glutino English Muffins, and whatever else I feel like baking without worry of cross contamination. The rest of my family continues to insist on poisoning themselves with gluteny stuff that goes in their toaster, but I don’t care. Really, I don’t.

If you’ve been diagnosed with celiac or some other gluten intolerance, do yourself a big favor. Be selfish and get your own toaster!

P.S. Remember to train house guests to use the right toaster!